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My experience of depression and how I´ve learnt to live with it.
Every once in a while I get depressed. I don´t know why, I just do and this is what I wrote one such time. Man, I feel terrible at the moment. I feel so tired and alone. I get up, get out of bed, do the usual stuff and have my breakfast. Shower, dress and go to work. I don´t notice all this though because I´m awake but I haven´t woken up yet. I´m dreaming but I´m awake. I feel so tired, so nauseous, my heart is doing the two step in my chest, my eyes are seeing but the signal between them and my brain is getting confused on the way through and everything is cloudy and grey. My ears hear only what they want to hear and breathing tastes funny.. I canīt concentrate, everything I do is a chore, whatever I say seems to upset or annoy others or they just ignore me as I pass on by. God! I´m Depressed. The past week has been a real mission to survive. Work is a pain in the backside. So much crap to wade through, to get a decent job done. My wife is more interested in her new pans than anything I have to say or do at the moment; I feel more like a pet than a husband. I feel really alone at the moment. It s quite scary. I stood in the local ale house last night and even though it was packed full of people, I still felt as though I was there on my own. Almost like I was in another time zone than everyone else. I know drinking isnīt a good idea if your depressed but I just needed to be near other people, any people. All my life I have had bouts of depression and I normally just curl up in a corner and pretend to be dead until it goes away, but this time itīs different. This time its lasted for nearly a week, normally it last 2 to 3 days. I hate feeling like this, and the more I feel like this the more depressed I get. Itīs a vicious circle. I just feel absolutely and utterly miserable, even though my life is not so bad. I have all the things I crave but they seem to pale in to insignificance with the way I feel at the moment. There is nothing wrong with my relationship with my wife, or with my job (I love them both) but it seems that no matter what I do I just donīt feel happy, in fact the harder I try the worse I feel. My usual comfort eating isnīt working either. It just makes me feel worse. I start to feel the "My God! Your fat" routine. Even though Iīve lost lots of weight recently. Somebody comments asking "Are you okay, Mike?" I must be stupid as I just say "Fine, thanks" with a forced smile. Idiot, but I donīt want to burden others with my worries. Maybe theyīll have a poorer opinion of me if I do. Whatīs happening to me? I donīt understand why I get like this. I feel confused, dazed as to whatīs going on around me. I feel so unhappy at the moment. I am sooo sad! My best friend tells me I should "sort it out" but Iīm confused as to, what to sort out. Itīs me that needs to be sorted out, but what can I do. Go to the doctors. Ha! Good one! "Here you go Mike, you fool. Have some pink tablets to cheer you up" No, thanks. Take a holiday. Have one booked in about 5 weeks and donīt have enough holidays left at work for more. So what else is there to sort out? Perhaps I should just go to sleep until it disappears. I hate feeling this way, but whatever I do the feeling doesnīt go away. Iīm not an unhappy person normally, so why do I feel like I do now? I donīt understand it. I hate being depressed. God! I´m Depressed.
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