Dont like to fly? I dont like flying either.

Dont like to fly? Have you wondered “Is flying only for the brave or the unconscious?????”

I’m going on holiday soon! Very nice I hear you cry!

Well, Yes and, no!

Yes! Because I need a break, but no, (said with dread and fear in my voice) because I have to fly and I don’t like to fly!!!!.

“Run Away!”…………..

Now don’t get me wrong I don’t mind the flying bit, that’s easy, but it’s the taking off and landings I hate, it fills me with such fear that even now sat in my spare room, typing this I have butterflies in my stomach.

I know there isn’t anything to be afraid of as flying is the safest form of transport, etc… so everyone keeps telling me.

One of my friends used to be a stewardess and she always tells me “You silly sod!, There’s nothing to be afraid of” Maybe not for you, but as soon as I’m on the plane and the door closes its like being buried alive for me (not that I know what that feels like, but you get the picture)

Alright, I kinda pride myself on having a decent level of education and that’s where the problem lies.

I get on the plane and sit down.

Put on the groan garroter (Seat belt, ha!).

I have nothing to do, so my brain begins to wonder, Fatal for me!.

I begin to think, “So, how long is this journey? How, many hours? How, many miles?”

I then pick up the in-flight magazine, browse through it but always end up staring at the pictures of the planes at the back.

“Ok”, “This plane is a Boeing 747-400 and has a range of 7325 miles and carries 57,285 Gallons of fuel when full”

“So, we;re flying for 6500 miles and that’s just short of 51,000 gallons of fuel, maybe a bit more with emergency fuel. So the take off weight will be around 800,000 pounds and we have only four engines… How is this thing possibly going to get off the ground? How, it weights too much” I always imagine a gallon as the size of an average household bucket. So that’s 51,000 little yellow buckets full of aviation fuel…. WOW! and that weight is before you add in the weight of the people on board and their baggage, plus any cargo the plane is carrying…

So with all that weight, all that fuel. If it doesn’t make it off the ground with all that fuel that’s a big fire in my book!!

If the plane doesn’t make it off the runway for any reason and we crash the likelihood of there being a fire is very high! Very, Very, Very high! In fact I’d put a tenner on it being nearly 100% chance any day of the week.

That’s my fear. Not of the plane crashing, its of the plane bursting into flames. I’ve been badly burnt before, on my face, arms and hands, I still have the scars. It bloody well hurt’s, it’s the worst pain I’ve ever had, worse than broken bones. To be burnt alive is my worst nightmare. So perhaps my fear of flying is about being burnt to death in a crashed airplane?

As soon as the plane is airborne and has stopped climbing at the really scary angle then I’m fine, but until then. “Worst passenger ever!”

You know what I think gets the plane off the ground. It’s 400 people, praying, wishing, willing the plane into the air. 400 people (including the pilot and other staff) all sat there with their eyes closed concentrating “Come on my beauty, up you go, Fly, Fly, FLY, You B*****D, go on my son off the ground”.

Failing that I suppose its devine intervention, but I’m inclined to think it’s the first as if there is a God he can’t surely be lifting all the planes, all around the world off the ground! At the same time. Can he? (No, he can’t, he can’t stop it!)

I have tried everything to overcome this, drink! Made me panic. Drugs (A few joints beforehand), made me more paranoid and nearly got me and my wife arrested as I smelt funny to the airport dogs. Tranqualizers, no real effect. Sleeping pills, Stayed awake until we landed then fell fast asleep as soon as the plane stopped at the airport.

Let’s face it I am a terrible airline passenger. I think another thing that makes it worse is that you’re not in control of the vehicle either. And it’s usually made worse when the pilot comes on to the intercom and he sounds like Norman Wisdom on Acid. Or what’s even more un-nerving is when the pilot walks round the plane talking to other passenger! AAAAhhhhhh! get back to the controls you blithering idiot, who’s flying the bloody plane!. (If somebody says the word autopilot to me I immediately think of “Otto Pilot” the autopilot in the Airplane film. (A blow up rubber man in a pilots uniform for those who haven’t seen Airplane)) and if he deflates I ain’t blowing him back up!!!!

So I’ll have to put up with flying again, My wife laughs at me when we fly, as I like to say there isn’t much that frightens me but flying scares the crap out of me. Still, I always get my own back by squeezing her hand tightly until were airborne. Its amazing how 4 broken fingers stops somebody laughing at you. (Just joking!)

I know its just a silly fear and I always look forward to exploring where ever I’m going to or meeting whoever at the other end, but maybe because I don’t like to fly i’ll try the unconscious approach this time.

Anyone got a large bottle of chloroform they can lend me?

You May Also Like

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Current day month ye@r *