Pit of despair

I don’t want to feel like this anymore, I hate it! I hate the way that my brain is making me feel things. Events in my life. Events in the past.

I just want the pain to stop. Not go away I actually want it to stop!

People tell me I’m not a bad person and that’s their opinion, it’s not mine. I’ve tried to be good. I’ve tried to care about all the people in my life and I tried to listen to other people, some might say unsuccessfully or that maybe I don’t listen hard enough but I also seem to be a dumping ground for other people’s problems and because I’m trying to be nice I don’t say “shut the fuck up” and then not only do I have my own problems but I also feel like I’m saddled with the people’s problems. This then ends up with me feeling like I do at the moment filled with pain and heartache and worry.

At the moment and I just feel like shit. I’m sure there are some people who are reading this who are probably thinking good because you deserve it but no, no, I don’t.

This moment I constantly feel like a mobile phone which needs to be recharged every 5-minutes and I’m trying to do the right thing by my family and friends. I’m trying to listen to their problems but it’s affecting me mentally and I really can’t cope with some of the shit that is going on in my life at the moment. Can’t cope, don’t want to cope!

I’ve got relatives who are still grieving my father and their way of doing this to just ring me up and then talk at me for 4 hours. They don’t care that I’ve got my own grief to deal with. Something  which I’m really struggling with because I have nobody to talk to about it. Plus I really don’t want to talk to somebody about it because I feel like I’m burdening them with my problems.

I’ve also lost my best friend in the past 12 months and 2 other close friends very recently. I’m not good at coping with the grief I’ve experienced recently. Because I haven’t dealt with it, boom. Pit of despair!

I’ve got friends who are struggling in their lives whether it be because of Coronavirus or because their relationships have been strained over the past couple of months or just because they’re lonely and I’ve listened and listened to them, to help them. Funny how some people don’t listen when you want to talk though!

But at the moment I feel completely overwhelmed by the situation at hand and I really struggling to cope with it I really just want to lock myself away from anything and everybody just shut myself in a box, not communicate, not talk, not answer any phone calls and just cry myself into oblivion.

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