Religious door knockers

Religious door knockers. Spreaders of the word of God or an out and out bloody nuisance?

The first thing I would like to say is that I am not religious, I feel secure enough in my life that I feel I don’t need to pray to some almighty being, who just may or may not exist and if he does exist then he must have a pretty sick sense of humor with all the poverty and sickness we have in the world, but I know if I say this, the usual reply is “Its Gods way of testing us” He must be a really, really sick Bastard! I prefer to live in the land of reality, thank you very much.

So why do a certain portion of the religious community, think that I need to seek salvation and try to force this salvation upon me by knocking on my door on a Sunday, which is supposed to be the sabbeth.

On Sunday afternoon my Wife and I are sitting in the front room of “Our” house watching TV after a nice Sunday lunch when, “Dduuuuuurrrrrriiiinnnnng” The front doorbell rings.

(My first mistake is answering the door)

I look out of the window and standing there are a six grinning morons (I did say morons not mormon’s), a Man, a middle aged woman (presumably his wife), two elderly women and two children.

I open the door and am greeted by “Hello, friend, I wonder if we can interest you in the joys of God!”

(Okay, first off I’m not your friend! And secondly if I wanted God I’d go find him, you don’t get pizza sales men doing this, “Excuse me sir, I wonder if I could interest you in this recently baked Ham and Mushroom Pizza!”, maybe they should try this they might just sell more pizza)

However, I’m thinking. Hmmmmm. Now is this the patter of a religious salesman or is this the patter of a religious salesman?

“Hello” say’s I, trying to be polite and not slam the door in their faces.

“Where spreading the word of God in the local community and wondered if we could interest you in looking at these brochures on the joys of God” Says the man with out stretched hand holding several pieces of paper covered in drawings of a bearded gentleman surrounded by rays of light.

“No!” Say I. “ I don’t believe in any god, I don’t believe there is such a thing as god!”

(First mistake, now trying to close the door. I’m obviously a poor soul who is desperately in need of saving)

“Oh! Well take these leaflets my brother, so you can see the light of god and let him into your life and lead a better life”

(I’m not your friend and I am definitely not your brother! And my life is just fine as it is thanks!)

“Look, I don’t believe in any god, or any religion, so honestly I’m not interested”

(Second mistake. This makes them try harder)

The old lady’s now burst into there sales patter “Well, dear take the leaflets and then you can read them and maybe you can make an informed decision and maybe change your mind on the matter. You never know it might just save your life”

(How can reading a leaflet save my life?????) (This mans a gonner give him 50cc’s of God. Stat!)

(Third mistake coming up)

“Okay” says I. Taking the leaflets.

(Look out because here comes guilt trip number one)

“I wonder if we can ask you for a donation” Says the man, pushing one of the children forward who now has an out stretched hand.

(Oh! They got me, Doh!)

Now I didn’t want the leaflets in the first place, secondly when they where offered they are now asking for money!

“Oh, well you might as well have them back as I am not paying for something that I don’t want or need” Say I, offering them back to man.

“No, its okay my friend you may keep them, there is no charge, we only ask for a donation to cover the cost of the leaflets” Replies the man.

(Guilt trip number two, if you need the money so badly why print them in the first place)

I hand the leaflets back to one of the children.

“May we read you a Psalm from the book of David/Matthew/Burt/Frank/whatever” asks one of the old women.

“No, I reply. Look I was watching a film and I’d like to get back to it” says I.

(Incorrect buzzer noise fills the room, Fourth mistake – he’s trying to escape, must increase sales patter to the nth degree)

“Oh! Were sorry to intrude on you my friend” says the man “But if you could just spare us a few more minutes of your time?”

Old ladies churp up “If we could just read you……”

Cut short “I’m sorry but No! Thank you and good bye” says I.

I then close the door, feeling really guilty for closing the door on them but I don’t want to listen to this any more. I also feel that if I open the door they´ll still be stood there, even now 4 days later, grinning at me as they where when I closed the door.

Now I am quite a tolerant person, but my home is my sanctuary from the outside world and I do not want every Joe Shomoe knocking on my door trying to sell his/her warez, especially religion.

I wouldn’t mind so much if they didn’t bring their children with them because at least you could tell them to “F**K OFF” but experience must have taught them that if you bring kids, people will refrain from doing this.

If you have your religions, please, please, please keep them to yourself, don’t come knocking at my door. If religion is so great, why do you have to do this. Surely if it was so good you’d be turning people away from the churches in droves.

Perhaps I should get my family together and go knocking on the doors of people I know to be religious and ask them to join us in unbelief and pass them leaflets on unbelief in any god. (I don’t know what you would call this because being Agnostic or Atheist is still a belief, Agnostic is a belief that its not possible to prove there is a God and Atheist is a belief there is no God, plus the Americans have made them into religions!)

Maybe I’m being a cynic about all this but if I wanted god its better to seek him myself instead of having him forced upon me by a bunch of grinning morons.

If this offends any religious personages out there then I apologise (a little bit) but STOP KNOCKING ON MY DOOR and LEAVE ME ALONE with my own beliefs.

Ever hear the words “Each and every one to his own”?

Do yourself a favour and stay at home, that way you might not emotionally scar your kids for life and make me miss the film i m watching!

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One thought on “Religious door knockers

  1. Bloody hell thats funny but you need religion in your life thats why these people feel the need to come round to your house and tell you about it. Personally I just tell them to “f off” and have done with it, child or no child with them.

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